He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
