So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
