She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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