I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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