maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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