Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
