my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
