the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
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