this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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