I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
