it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
