i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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