The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
