I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
