So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
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