OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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