I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
