apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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