Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
