Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
