i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize