I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
