my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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