you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
