How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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