Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
