He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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