So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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