you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
