You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
