I wish I only lived at night.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
