I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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