my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
