I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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