Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
