if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
