if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
