My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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