Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
