I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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