I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
