so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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