i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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