I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
