I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
