She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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