I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
wow bdsm is so cute
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