theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
