Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
