This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
