Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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