So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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