He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize