I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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