if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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