i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
