i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize