your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
