i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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