Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
