Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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